im an awful blogger...

so, its been a while since i have blogged it up. that is directly related to the fact that i have been out of the office for quite awhile... and now im back! well, i have a lot of life to cover. most of the holidays were tuff. i continued to wallow around in bitter mud. and by bitter mud i mean--Blah, i was blah about people, blah about church, blah about my family... pretty much, i was not the cheerful christmas carol. i was getting tired of having to go to this service and that just because now it was my job. i was very bitter about how distracting the "Christmas" season was and why we acted like this season was all about Jesus. i was ticked at myself because i was getting too much stuff, but at the same time i wanted all the stuff, and it was too late and would hurt my mom's feelings if i wasnt happy christmas morning. i did enjoy having a lot of family over to our house for dinner. still very surface though. so, i think you are feeling me. when people asked me how my christmas was, i kind of just made a noise and smiled.
then before i new it, 2006 was here. i saw a ball drop finally, it was the big ball in fairhope,al. very spectacular. fireworks were a dud... being overrun by the dense fog. i kinda felt like we were in the middle of war or something. i did get to see a good friend while i was there, so that was good.
now, for the turn around --- PASSION 06--- nashvegas was WOW. i went to passion05 so i kinda had an idea of what this year was going to be like. well, not really... you know how the Lord just likes to take all your expectations and multiply them by like a billion... yeh, He was amazing. 06 was different for me. last year i was very much overwhelmed by "feeling". i felt happy, i felt energetic, i felt. this year was completely different. Jesus definitely met me in the absence of feeling. i tried to stir some up, but then i felt like a poser. most of the time i stood, eyes closed, just thinking. thinking of the Cross. i really questioned HIm for like 30 minutes, why the cross? i could not wrap my mind around how i was even there and able to speak with a Creator so great, and how He could come to the earth and be so small, walk around on two legs, then suffer? i eventually gave up on words and couldnt even say thank you. i could not limit my heart to those two words... but what was i to offer. nothing and everything. i found myself where i want to be everyday, giving up. saying to Him each morning, that i do not understand it all, but i believe the Cross, and it is in the view of the Cross that i live this day. i want to start each day giving up on me and depending on Him. sacrificing my life as He did so that His death and life may continue to be glorified in me.
remember that bitter mud i played in earlier? well, He washed me clean of that. i was literally hanging out in a pit of bitterness. and wow how that was hindering my worship and making dirty this life i want to reflect Christ. He pulled me out. PRAISE HIM!! i have already seen how my life has changed since then. i went to church sunday and actually met with God. that is a big step. i have been so bitter about the church and our pretending that i am completely distracted from any truth that may seep out. i made it to the end of a sunday without feeling completely ticked off. Jesus is who i seek, not everyone living the Christian life the way i think they should. i know change is coming in a big way. the church is on its way back to square one. that is my prayer for the church i work for and all everywhere. that it would be overwhelmed by the person of Jesus and drowned in the Holy Spirit. that it would come to a state of reality and confess its sin-- that we would not let the past keep us frozen for the future. a body with Christ as the head, moving and breathing. displaying the greatness of the glory of grace. a body willing to die in order to live. its coming. get ready. be